CIA Hiring Failed Wall Street Analysts

Word on the street is that the CIA has put out a call to unemployed Wall Street flunkies. The Agency says that Langley has been flooded with applications.

The CIA claims that they are looking with expertise in economic analysis to help them predict the next global financial meltdown. Given the utter failure of these very same people to do anything of the sort, we can only hope that the real mission is to covertly place them in powerful positions in the banking and finance industries of our worst enemies.

Someone On Wall Street Ate the Brown Acid

I'm beginning to think that this whole financial meltdown and recovery plan is due to a couple of guys on Wall Street having a bad drug experience.

Here's how the conversation probably went:

DAY ONE

CEO #1: "Hey man, I just thought of something."

CEO #2: "What?"

CEO #1: "All this money."

CEO #2: "Yeah?"

CEO #1: "None of it is real, man!"

CEO #2: "Whoa. Wait, what do you mean?"

CEO #1: "It's just like blips or something. We spend all of our time trying to kill each other over electronic blips and stuff."

CEO #2: "Zeroes and ones, man."

CEO #1: "Exactly! I mean, like, one day a computer says that a house is worth $200,000 and the next day it says it's worth $100,000, even though the same person is living in it!"

CEO #2: "They sell houses for $100,000??"

CEO #1: "Whatever, man. The point is, it's not even paper losses, it's just blips in some giant computer or something!"

CEO #2: "Zeroes and ones, man."

CEO #1: "Exactly! Now, what if everybody had this same realization at the same time? What if, just by us thinking this out loud, everybody's going to wake up tomorrow and have this same thought??"

CEO #2: "Then we'd be totally hosed."

DAY TWO

CEO #2: "WAKE UP MAN!! It happened exactly like you said!"

CEO #1: "What?"

CEO #2: "The zeroes and ones! They're all gone!!!!"

CEO #1: "Uh oh."

DAY THREE

CEO #2: "What are we going to do, man? What are we going to do?! We messed everything up!! People are freaking out all over the place!! We've got to get the blips back!!"

CEO #1: "Wait man, just wait. Don't freak out. Remember Ben and Hank in DC? They have this crazy machine that prints money."

CEO #2: "A machine that prints money? But we need billions! Maybe trillions! Can they do that???"

CEO #1: "Don't worry, man! I just dosed their coffee."

CEO #2: "Whoa."