My inability to get my kid to sleep early will make her fat

My daughter, Cinderella, has so far been the victor in the ongoing bedtime battle. It doesn't help much that The Wife and I are night owls (actually, I'm a night owl, she's descended from vampires).

I'm not so good with the whole setting strict limits thing, for the most part. The family motto is "Put the [insert dangerous object] down and nobody gets hurt." Apparently, this isn't good enough to get me a fatherhood medal. It seems that my inability to turn Cinderella into Sleeping Beauty is dramatically increasing her chances of joining the national childhood obesity craze that's sweeping the nation.

Several studies by people in white coats from New Zealand and England point to what appears to be a clear link between the lack of sleep and the rise of childhood obesity. In one study, researchers following 13,000 children made the shocking discovery that children who sleep less tend to spend less time playing outdoors and have less energy for active play. More worryingly, they say that it appears that lack of sleep may alter children's hormones, leading them to overeat, and seek out the worst kinds of food.

Another smaller study of 591 children found that "children who slept an average of less than nine hours a night had a 3.34% increase in body fat compared with those who slept more than nine hours." The researchers noted that shortchanging your kid's sleep led to a three-fold increase in their risk of becoming obese, independent of the amount of exercise they got or the amount of television they watched.

Harshing my own mellow

[Author note: the following entry should be prefaced with the word "alledgedly."]

It has often been noted (by me, anyway) that the older we get, the more legal our vices become. With parenthood, a mortgage, and (oh the shame) a minivan, the last remnants of your youthful fantasies of carrying on your cool anti-establishment abandon go up in smoke. And it ain't the kind you spray over with your mom's air freshener either.

Now the drugs we take to make us happy are not only legal, they're pushed by the evil corporations that you once swore you'd never abide. While we once sought out the newest freak to free our mind from the drudgery we knew, deep down, was our unavoidable fate, we now cadge uppers and downers from our doctors in order to stay productive at work and keep pace in the soul-crushing rat race that sends digital money to our bank accounts so that we can transfer it to our credit card companies and bill collectors.

Yet, is there any better anti-drug ad than seeing a bunch of aging California hippies?

For some reason I'm often reminded of an old New Yorker cartoon. One guy says to another "The problem with living longer is that all the extra years come at the end, when you're old."

Broccoli Isn't As Good For You As It Used To Be

I'm not the best parent. My daughter, Cinderella, has the bedtime habits of a vampire. She watches too many movies, and cadges too many sweet treats. At restaurants she acts like a coked up hostess, flitting from table to table, rather than the prim and proper little girls that occupy every other table at every restaurant I've ever been to.

But I've gotten her to eat -- and like -- broccoli, damnit!

But now this. Research shows that broccoli, carrots, and all the other good-for-you fruit and veggie foods have less good stuff in them than they used to.

Since 1940, when people first started keeping track of this stuff, broccoli has lost 75% of its calcium, carrots 75% of their magnesium. There are other declines across the veggie and fruit spectrum. The most likely culprits are factory farming and plant breeding. Some guy in a white coat says we now have to eat more of the stuff to get the same nutritional boost. Gee, thanks. Can't we just inject all the missing nutrients into chocolate?