Stink Bug Invasion

Just when we thought that the end of the world was coming thanks to staph infections and bedbugs, now it turns out that stink bugs are in the running for "Pest of the Apocalypse." Well, at least if you happen to be an apple.

While the bugs don't bite or carry diseases, they do emit a foul odor if squashed. There may even be a connection between this feature and their name, but I'm still working this out.

The bugs do like to nosh on peaches, apples, soybeans, corn, and ornamental shrubs and trees. Farmers are not amused.

According to the Washington Post, stink bugs appear to be one of the four insects of the Apocalypse, or a Cuban revolutionary conspiracy, or something:

"This is the vanguard," said Mike Raupp, a University of Maryland entomologist and extension specialist. "I think this is going to be biblical this year," he said. "You're going to hear a collective wail in the Washington area, up through Frederick and Allegany counties, like you've never heard before. The [bug] populations are just through the ceiling."

As with bedbugs, the Post reports (without any actual sources) that distraught homeowners are resorting to "burning them with propane torches."

The bugs seem to have arrived as illegal immigrants from Asia over a decade ago, and have since spread to 29 states.

Authorities recommend that homeowners stop bathing so that they won't notice the smell from the bugs if they accidentally step on any as they flee from their burning homes.

Some media reports have noted that the bugs are a delicacy when eaten in tacos in parts of Mexico. Stink Bug Tacos -- I think I have the name of my next band.

Bed Bug Apocolypse

The bed bug epidemic has reached epidemic proportions. The jury is still out, however, as to whether the world is ending because it is being overrun with bed bugs, or if humans will end the world in order to get rid of them.

This is the story so far:

• Bed bugs used to be a problem.


• Then we began covering the world in nasty toxic chemicals like DDT, and bed bugs were not a problem.


• But we were killing all other living creatures on the planet along with the bedbugs, so we stopped with the DDT.


• Then, 50 years or so later, all the bedbugs started coming back.


• The government basically advises barricading yourself in your home, avoiding contact with other humans, and sleeping in a bug zapper.


• If you find bedbugs in your home, you should abandon your home and all your possessions (which most of us are doing anyway because of the economic crisis), remove all your clothing, and move into a hermetically sealed bubble.

Unfortunately, according to media reports, people with bed bug infestations are starting to douse their houses with toxic chemicals or kerosene. Not a good idea.

In Cincinnati, an unlicensed applicator saturated an apartment complex in June with an agricultural pesticide typically used on golf courses. Seven tenants got sick and were treated at the hospital. The property was quarantined, and all tenants were forced to move. Authorities are pursuing criminal charges.

...

Authorities around the country have blamed house fires on people misusing all sorts of highly flammable garden and lawn chemicals to fight bedbugs. Experts also warn that some hardware products - bug bombs, cedar oil and other natural oils - claim to be lethal but merely cause the bugs to scatter out of sight and hide in cracks in walls and floors.