New York Times is worried your kid will bump into the coffee table

For real.

They plastered it all over the Home and Garden section.

You can read the whole story here, but it's basically a long variation on this:

Do not be fooled. The coffee table means your children harm. And when it attacks, results can be ugly.

Last year, 143,070 children age 5 and younger visited emergency rooms after table accidents, according to estimates from the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission. Coffee tables, in particular, turn up in more than a quarter of the accident reports, in the commission’s sample count.

The safety commission recommends that parents install bumpers on the corners and edges of their tables. Do they work? Who knows? Perhaps style-savvy children can be repelled by things that are ugly and made of foam.

Coming next week: It's all fun and games until somebody pokes their eye out!

Alcohol will kill you dead or save your life

A new study by people in white coats reports that alcohol is more destructive than crack or heroin. According to the study in the British medical journal The Lancet (typical Brits to name a medical journal after a "small and extremely sharp bladed instrument used for surgery or anatomical dissection") alcohol outranked such sentimental favorites as heroin, crystal meth, marijuana cigarettes (or whatever those damn hippies are calling them these days), and crack.

While some on the list were more harmful than alcohol to the health of the individual user, booze outranked them all when you combined the negative impacts to both the individual and society.

Hungover readers of Worried Dad may have a hazy recollection of my post about two months ago that Not drinking alcohol can kill you.

Interestingly, LSD was ranked as pretty benign overall, leading study author T. Francis Leary to suggest that we all start dropping acid instead of Jagerbombs.

BPA to sperm: DROP DEAD

According to the latest reports from people in White Coats, workers in Chinese factories that process BPA-laden products had two to four times lower quality sperm, including lower sperm counts, than workers in factories that don't deal with BPA. Those with the worst sperm also had the highest levels of BPA.

The report was published by the Journal of Fertility and Sterility. Oddly, the article The impact of luteal phase support on gene expression of extracellular matrix protein and adhesion molecules in the human endometrium during the window of implantation following controlled ovarian stimulation with a GnRH antagonist protocol, also in the current issue, hasn't generated any press coverage.

Asked to comment on the possibility that BPA can lower sperm counts, study author Dr. De-Kun Li simply responded "That can't be good."

BPA apologist and spokesperson for the American Chemistry Council Stephen Hentges probably had the same thought. However, he is quoted in media reports as saying "This study of Chinese workers with high exposure to BPA is of limited relevance to consumers who, by contrast, are exposed to only very low levels of BPA."

"I mean is there really an American consumer who worries about the welfare of factory workers who make their cheap consumer crap?" Hentges inferred but did not actually say.

Li, who isn't on the BPA industry payroll had this to say:

"When you see this kind of association with semen you have to wonder what else BPA has an effect on," says Li. As a precautionary principle, he adds, "Everybody should avoid BPA as much as you can."

Toxic Face Paint No Fun For Kids

Back in the day when Worried Dad was just Worried Kid, the biggest Halloween scare was the biggest thing we were afraid of was someone sticking a razor blade in an apple. Even though Snopes.com says there was some bits of truth behind these rumors, what kid in their right mind would eat an apple on Halloween?

Now the all-knowing Yahoo newsdesk has reminded us of a more modern worry: toxic face paint.

Besides the obvious warnings, like not dipping your candy in face paint, the FDA has these helpful tips:

• Read ingredient lists and don't buy any product that has non-approved colors. The FDA lists coloring agents approved for use in cosmetics. Worried Dad note: Laminate the FDA's fun 217 item chart and carry it with you every time you go shopping.



• Don't use products with fluorescent colors (D&C Orange No. 5, No. 10, and No. 11; D&C Red No. 21, No. 22, No. 27 and No. 28; and D&C Yellow No. 7) near the eyes. Worried Dad note: Turn these colors and numbers into a limerick to make them easier to remember.



• Don't use luminescent (glow-in-the-dark) colors (zinc sulfide) near your eyes. Worried Dad note: This may lead your child to permanently glow in the dark.



• Before using older products, check it against these two May 2009 recall notices for Fun Express children's face paints. Worried Dad note: How can a product called Fun Express be bad?
  

What's a worried parent to do? Two suggestions:

• Use a mask (free of BPA, of course). Except the stupid rubber bands that hold them up always break 20 minutes into the night.



• Just cover their faces in chocolate. Everybody wins!

Sour candy will kill your kid's teeth

Contrary to conventional wisdom, it turns out that candy is actually bad for your teeth, especially if it tastes good.

Studies by people in white coats from a few years ago (but recycled every year near the end of October for some reason) highlight the findings that sour candy (e.g. Sour Patch Kids, sour worms, sour Nerds, sour gummy vitamins -- okay, basically the word "sour" should be a tipoff) is as corrosive to the teeth of young children as battery acid.

The effects are particularly bad for baby teeth and adult teeth until they have been around for at least 10 years (you know, basically when you lose any desire to eat them)..

White Coat experts say that if a sour candy (with any kind of acid on the ingredient list: citric, lactic, malic, tartaric, fumaric, adipic, and ascorbic) should touch your child's mouth, DO NOT BRUSH THEIR TEETH right away. Either wash their mouth with water, or have them drink a glass of milk.

The good folks at the California Dental Hygienists Association (official motto: "You're not flossing regularly, are you?") suggests the following tactics:

"This Halloween, we are advising adults to think twice about buying sour candies for trick-or-treaters," said Erika Feltham, a Registered Dental Hygienist and CDHA member who has studied this issue for more than a decade. "We also are encouraging parents to comb through their child's bag at the end of the night to remove sour acid candies and replace them with a small piece of non-sour sugarless candy or gum."

Yeah, that'll work!

This kind of reminds Worried Dad about Cinderella's first couple of Halloweens. Basically Worried Mom and I dressed her up in really cute costumes, scored big time on the candy, and then ate it all as soon as she was asleep.

Celery will kill you

Worried Dad's daughter, Cinderella, has long contended that she is allergic to vegetables. Turns out she might be right.

Back in March, the Environmental Working Group declared that conventionally grown (i.e. NOT organic) celery topped their supermarket "dirty dozen." This means that with every bite of those crunchy green stalks, you are walking a chemical-laden path to a cancerous pesticide induced death.

Now, killer celery has claimed multiple victims in Texas: the count so far is 4 dead and two more sick. But the numbers are sure to rise. The culprit this time is listeriosis, a nasty little bacterium.

Okay kid, you can have a side of chocolate tonight.

Stink Bug Invasion

Just when we thought that the end of the world was coming thanks to staph infections and bedbugs, now it turns out that stink bugs are in the running for "Pest of the Apocalypse." Well, at least if you happen to be an apple.

While the bugs don't bite or carry diseases, they do emit a foul odor if squashed. There may even be a connection between this feature and their name, but I'm still working this out.

The bugs do like to nosh on peaches, apples, soybeans, corn, and ornamental shrubs and trees. Farmers are not amused.

According to the Washington Post, stink bugs appear to be one of the four insects of the Apocalypse, or a Cuban revolutionary conspiracy, or something:

"This is the vanguard," said Mike Raupp, a University of Maryland entomologist and extension specialist. "I think this is going to be biblical this year," he said. "You're going to hear a collective wail in the Washington area, up through Frederick and Allegany counties, like you've never heard before. The [bug] populations are just through the ceiling."

As with bedbugs, the Post reports (without any actual sources) that distraught homeowners are resorting to "burning them with propane torches."

The bugs seem to have arrived as illegal immigrants from Asia over a decade ago, and have since spread to 29 states.

Authorities recommend that homeowners stop bathing so that they won't notice the smell from the bugs if they accidentally step on any as they flee from their burning homes.

Some media reports have noted that the bugs are a delicacy when eaten in tacos in parts of Mexico. Stink Bug Tacos -- I think I have the name of my next band.

tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle recall muddle

When you put a beetle in baby bottle, you get a recall by a lab named Abbott:

WASHINGTON -- Drugmaker Abbott Laboratories said Wednesday it is recalling millions of containers of its best-selling Similac infant formula that may be contaminated with insect parts.

The voluntary action affects up to 5 million Similac-brand powder formulas sold in the U.S., Puerto Rico, Guam and some Caribbean countries. The company said the products may contain a small beetle or larvae, which could cause stomach ache and digestion problems.

The recall does not affect any liquid formulas or other Abbott-brand products.

A company spokeswoman said Abbott uncovered the insects last week in one section of a manufacturing plant in Sturgis, Michigan.

Good thing they don't sell noodles.

Superbugs will kill you part three: It came from India

As reported back in 2008 by Worried Dad, the MRSA staph infection has been called a superbug that appears to be resistant to all known antibiotics, except fire.

Then just a few weeks ago, this blog reported on the spread of a new superbug, c. diff, another nasty bug that will be stopped by nothing in its quest to kill you dead.

If anyone is still alive enough to read this, it appears that there is a new contender for "the microorganism that will destroy humanity" comes to us from India -- or does it??

In a challenge to the "there is no bad publicity" maxim, the new superbug has been given the name "New Delhi metallo-beta-lactamase," or NDM-1. New Delhians are not amused, and point out that the bug is really a close match to another superbug that's been making the rounds of US hospitals and back alleys for quite some time.

However, a spate of infected patients that appear to have originated in India have been spreading the stuff around the globe. It seems that globe-trotting healthcare bargain hunters have been going to India for cheap operations, getting some NDM-1 as a free souvenir, and then spreading Armageddon to the four corners of the Earth.

Basically, the NDM-1 stuff is resistant to all known antibiotics. People in White Coats blame other people in White Coats for over-prescribing antibiotics when we didn't need them, and now we need them, but they don't work anymore and we're all going to die. Also, you should wash your hands a lot and bathe nightly in Purell.

Aiming laser pointer at your eye can burn your eye out

In an article in the New England Journal of Medicine, a very worried man in a white coat is warning about the latest craze turning the world's children to piles of ashes: super powerful laser pointers.

According to the wire reports:

A 15-year-old boy damaged his eyes while playing with a laser pointer he'd bought over the Internet, say doctors who warn that dangerously high-powered versions are easily available online.

One eye expert called it "a legitimate public health menace."

The boy's case is reported in Thursday's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine by doctors who treated him at the Lucerne Cantonal Hospital in Switzerland.

It follows two reports in June of similar accidents. British doctors said a teenager damaged his eyes with a high-powered laser pointer, and a British physician said his vision was affected for several months after he was zapped by his 7-year-old son.

The lasers used in these incidents were of the European persuasion, and exceed the firepower of those allowed in the United States. However, the high-powered eye blasters can be found on the Internet.

The FDA has warned in the past that it has found laser pointers and toys that exceed the output limit of 5 milliwatts - five-thousandths of a watt. It rarely collects reports of eye-damage incidents like the case in Switzerland, said FDA health promotion officer Dan Hewett, so it's not clear how often they happen.

His agency recommends that consumers make sure laser pointer labels carry a designation of Class IIIa or lower, along with a statement of compliance with Chapter 21 CFR. Hewett suggests consumers should look on the label to make sure the power output is no more than 5 milliwatts, or 5 mW.

But he stressed that even a laser product that meets those conditions can cause eye damage if a person stares into the beam long enough.

"Just because it says 5 mW and Class IIIa, FDA is not saying you can grab this laser and stare at it," he said.

Researchers are still determining what the point of buying a laser is if you can't stare at it.